Wannabe Food Critics
The non-definitive guide to eating-out in Whakatane
We are a local family who dine out frequently. After years of informally reviewing our experiences, we decided to make it non-official and create this guide….the Wannabe Food Critics were born.
Some restaurateurs may be offended by our honest reviews, but we hope you take it how it was intended – simply a bit of a laugh by few people that don’t really matter.
Meet the Critics
This is my Brother. Large portions are an important factor determining his happiness with a meal. He has a well developed palate but chilli sauce goes on everything.
Calculations
Star rating: Each critic rated the food out of 10, and service and atmosphere out of 5 each. Total divided by 12 to get the score out of 5.
Disclaimer: This method of calculation can result in a poor score for establishments that are predominantly set up for takeaway (the food might be great, but the service and atmosphere lacking). This is an eating-OUT guide.
Top 5: Unlike the star rating, the Top 5 is biased on any factor e.g. price, preference, location or good looking waiters. Each critics top 5 restaurants are indicated by the circle icons within the text below.
Reviews- Full Table Service
Full table service is where the waiter seats you, takes your order (rather than you ordering at the bar) and brings your food to you directly.
Name | Rating | Vegan* Review | Dad Review | Brother Review |
|---|---|---|---|---|
4.1 | #5 Mexican is a vegan’s best friend. Lots of Mexican places nowadays provide vegan alternatives to dairy so it would be great to see this here in future. Even without this, still in my top 5. | #3 Ohope based go-to provided you booked weeks in advance. Atmosphere in spade loads. | #2 It's spicy and I love it. Hipster vibes. The service is really good. Very difficult to get a table at short notice. | |
3.7 | In my experience Korean food is all about meat, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a few vegan options at this fusion restaurant. Very nice vibe. Expensive, but I would go again. | Hotpot is downright dangerous and I hope they have changed their system or someone will get hurt. Very nice bathrooms. | Worth it for the taste but not worth it for the portion size. Hotpot was yum but there is a real possibility of becoming a burn victim with the stove. | |
1.9 | Surprised to see vegan options but the food is bland and basic. Placemat games are a redeeming feature but don't make up for the bad food. | Better known as Slob N Co. The food is not good but they have a seniors discount. Pricey for what you get. | The worst food in town, however the service is exceptional and you are guaranteed a table without booking. Tired interior. | |
C’Vue (Ohope Chartered Club) | 3.1 | A gluten free pasta with tomato sauce....a step up from the vegan-not-so-special but a frustratingly generic option for places who do not want to put in any real effort to satisfy someone with a non-traditional diet. I admit that it was pretty good (nice fresh veg) but this doesn't outweigh my disappointment that this was the only option...Italian is never that good without cheese. | Nice small menu (quality over quantity). Food is cold, but tastes good. Very good bathroom facilities. | Perfect steak every-time, this chef knows how to cook. Very sad drinks menu, only the generic Heineken/Speights type beers and RTD drinks available. Waitress handled our weird embarrassing dad really well and cracked a few jokes at our expense-we loved it. |
2.8 | The vegan pizza is a dry base with tomato paste and garlic…that’s it! Pasta is egg pasta only. It’s a double zero from me. | #4 The best (albeit only) Italian in town. Hoping they will improve as I love Italian. Service is generally substandard. | They always mess something up (food, service, drinks, oven not working... you name it). Hit & miss and constantly running out of ingredients. Food is good when you can get what you want. | |
3.3 | #4 At the wharf in Ohope with views over the harbour. Really enjoyed the vegan option (was a cauliflower dish when I went). | Bathrooms are substandard and located too close to the bar. Restaurant always packed with people my age and older. | Great fresh fish, but should learn how to cook a steak. | |
2.9 | Not the best, not the worst. Satisfactory tofu green curry. I feel like this place was a showroom or a bank or something as its a weird venue for a restaurant. | With both European and Thai menus you suspect the food won't be great. Your suspicions are confirmed. | Fresh chilli, (unlike the fish). Food is never that great. Great service. | |
2.3 | Dad refuses to eat here so we have only tried the takeaway food. Of the 3 Indian places in town, this is my least favourite. | Editor note: Dad refuses to eat here because the door is dirty....no review available and overall score based on 2x reviews only. | We were told it would be a 45 minute wait but it was 1.5 hours. The quality is not really worth the wait so I won't order from here again. | |
4.6 | #2 New restaurant but already a firm favourite. A couple of dishes to choose from (entre and mains). They did put cheese on my 'vegan' corn, but I'm a cheating vegan so I ate it anyway. Excellently done. Awesome vibe. | #1 Great food, great vibe, good service. Cuban restaurant with enough variety in the menu that I have lots of 'normal' food options but can still branch out and try something a little different if I'm feeling adventurous. | #1 A variety of chilli sauces ranging from mild through to WTF. I love this place and they always try and squeeze us in even if we haven't booked. | |
2.4 | ‘Kiwi style’ Chinese gloop. No tofu. No deal. | Used to frequent this place but then remembered that it's not actually that good. The service was outstanding, she knew what we wanted to order before we did. | Western Chinese food with rapid service. Want a big feed, then go here. Want a quality feed, go elsewhere. | |
3.3 | Great Indian entree options but not many mains to choose from (they don't use coconut cream in any of the curries). I still like this place though. Funny statues. | Not a bad curry. Service great. Easy to park here as it's not on the main drag. | Of the Indians in town, this one has the best décor and the second best food. | |
4.3 | With ingredients like macadamias and micro greens, this is the only true ‘fine dining’ in town. Divine. Not in my top 5 only due to the price and stuffy rich people vibe. | #5 Impeccable food and service. My son is too scruffy for this place so I tend to just go with my daughter. | The best most consistent food and service in town however it's upper class. I don't like having to put on a clean shirt and pants to dine here. I don't belong here. | |
3.7 | Coconut cream curries are a winner. It's not common for Indian to have coconut cream as the standard so lots of options. Always hope for vegan Naan but the Roti will do. | An easy go to for a great curry. | #3 My favourite Indian in town. | |
3.3 | I love the vibe of this old converted house but won't go back during winter. Risotto was good enough- nothing outstanding. Looking forward to going back during the summer. | Pleasant and welcoming staff but very cold with the doors open and the fire doing nothing to heat the old house. | Meals are huge and a good price. Asked for a medium rare and they gave me a well done steak. Will go back. | |
3.8 | #1 Clean, delicious, cheap. This Kope hideaway is my favourite eat in town. | Not licenced. Not my style, but done well. I take out-of-town guests here and they love it. | #4 Summer or winter winner. |
Reviews- Non-Table Service
The below establishments do not provide full table service. You might have to order at the bar or they might be set up predominantly for take-away.
Disclaimer: Due to the way star ratings are calculated they may receive a low score (the food might be great, but the service and atmosphere lacking). This is an eating-OUT guide. We decided to still provide scores and list them on this page for completeness.
Name | Rating | Vegan* Review | Dad Review | Brother Review |
|---|---|---|---|---|
2.6 | A standard kebab diner. Falafel pretty good. They are advertising as if they are a restaurant, but I would still classify them as a 'diner' (though a nice-ish one). | Loud, dark and not my style of food. | Portions on the smaller side but the food is good (standard Turkish kebab shop food). The Turkish coffee is gold. | |
Cookies Kitchen (The RSA) | 2.0 | Have to have the “Vegan not-so-special “. Sticky floors and tables. Run down. Run away. | Public are allowed to dine here without being accompanied by a RSA member. Order at the bar and collect your own meal from the counter after your disk buzzes. | #5 Expensive but great food with big portions. Bar staff are very welcoming. |
2.2 | I'm glad this place reduced the size of their menu (seriously, it used to be ridiculous and I can only image the food waste/number of freezers that would've been required). Despite the menu change, still nothing to eat. | I had the scallops and the fish & chips. My children said the scallop dish smelt off but I enjoyed it. (editor note the next day he decided it wasn't very nice after all- not food poisoning, just changed his mind). | Standard pub fare. Nothing too special but you won't leave hungry. It is quite dark and gloomy inside. | |
3.0 | They made me a dry potato pizza. At least the olives were good. My advice would be to ditch the American meals, and become a cute wine/nibbles bar. My flatmate speaks French and suspects they are faking their accents. | Love the French vibe of this joint but they serve pizza & burgers? Totally lost touch. | Only open on Thursday & Friday nights. French staff with fantastic accents. Shame about the lack of French food. | |
3.3 | Average vegan cheese pizza & falafel bites but great beer/ vibes/ service. It's located in one of the industrial areas of town, worth the trip. | Snacks and beer rather than an eating-out meal but Mata is a worthy of inclusion in this guide. Dog friendly (the canine variety that is- not referring to myself). | Snack type menu in a converted shed. Not a fan. | |
Port Ohope General Store & Café | 2.8 | Nice spot near the beach but nothing to eat. “Vegan not-so-special” it is. | #2 Food is always fantastic. Small number of tables in a room off to the side of the general store (layout surprisingly works). It's quite loud however. | Beachy feels. They lost our order so we sat there for an hour before enquiring what happened. |
2.9 | A takeaway joint with a couple of tables. Do not expect table service if you dine in- order form the bar and go up and ask if you need anything. Despite the lack of service, the food is pretty great. Will definitely order takeaway again. | I don't really like Thai food but I did enjoy the pork stirfry they made. Not licenced. | When you order a hot you get a HOT. It was so hot, I actually ordered a medium my second time eating from here. Definitely the best Thai in town and worth heading to Ohope for a takeaway. | |
2.1 | Rhyley’s is for drinking and fighting, not for vegans. | Normal pub style food. | The same kind of stuff as Detour but with more drinking. | |
The Comm (Good George Brewing) | TBC | coming soon | coming soon | coming soon |
2.3 | Overbearing live music which is sometimes quite bad. I asked what was possible to be made vegan and they told me they couldn't cater for me....great location though. | Classic fare. Iconic Whakatane corner pub. | Just a pub. Order at the bar. | |
3.4 | #3 Jackfruit burger is a hit. Entrees are also fantastic. I think they repainted this recently and it's very dark (the old colour scheme was much better). Repeat customer. | Just a burger place. | Best burger in town. Great entrees too. No chilli which is a deterrent. |
*I’m fairly relaxed about my vegan diet. Please be sure to ask if you have dietary requirements.
Print PDF summary version here: Wannabe Food Critics March 2021
Contact us: wannabefoodcrictics@gmail.com
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